I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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