I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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