i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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