Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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