Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
