when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I puked a lego.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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