I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
