he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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