well I can't set my house on fire every night
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
