I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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