i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
