I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
