When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
