so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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