I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
