Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
