shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize