I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
