I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
