Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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