I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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