Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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