I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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