I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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