I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize