We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
