Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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