its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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