matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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