Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
