yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
