I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Holy shit dude........stairs
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
