I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
