I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
