omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
