Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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