I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize