I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
