$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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