dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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