Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
