I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
