i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
