my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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