That's intense
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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