New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize