i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
