member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
