Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
