i don't like sucking hair
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
