i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
