so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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