she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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