'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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