I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
