One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
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