He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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