Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
