when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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