btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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