I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
